Monday, September 21, 2009

serious confession session

so i've been exploring some blogs through SITS, and i've stumbled upon a lot of weight loss blogs. everyone's openness and honesty have really inspired me to be more honest on my blog (despite the fact i know a few of my friends occasionally read it). similarly, a conversation i had with an old boss during lunch today (during which i kind of felt like he was prying, but i've been to so much counseling on it that i'm pretty used to being honest) really hit home that my neurosis is a little unhealthy.
basically, i've always had a poor body image, although if i look at the clothes that i'm still wearing from high school, i genuinely couldn't have been that big or i a) would be too small for those clothes now, or b) wouldn't have fit into those clothes then. regardless, i've always considered myself to be on the chubby side. a group of guys that christina and i hung out with (not so much becky as she had a boyfriend) revealed their nicknames for us once - hers was 'porn star', mine was 'kelly kapowski' - alluding as much, i'm sure, to my big hair and girl next door style as it does to my super round face (which maintains it's shape no matter how thin i get).
even super thin, kelly's face is round and proud!:

Anyways, one member of my immediate family has been heavy for as long as I can remember, and recently another member joined him on that track, essentially terrifying me that being fat truly is genetic and it's unavoidable. I also have suffered from victimization due to my weight (which, as I previously mentioned, has never extended past that of 'overweight' for my height). We're not really sure why (we being my family and assorted counselors/therapists) I have such an unhealthy obssession with my weight, but i have to say that incidents like the one I'm about to relate were definitely life changing for me.

I remember multiple seemingly innocent comments my mother's made about my weight over the years - telling me a certain shirt made me look like a little sausage, telling me not to wear sweatpants with a lighter colored waistband because they highlighted my waist and made it look wider, etc. But more importantly, unfortunately, were the comments of strangers. Here it goes:

I was standing on the side of the road, waiting for my boyfriend at the time to pick me up so i wouldn't have to walk down the gravel street in heels. I was about 8-10 pounds more than I am now (at the most - about 10 pounds less then my heaviest) and was wearing a dress and heels. A car full of boys pulled over as they passed by, stopping only long enough to say, "You're fat! I hope that you get cancer and die!" This was my junior year in college, about two years ago, and I remember that day like it was yesterday. Unfortunately, that's all that it takes to trigger so many feelings of inadequacy and unattractiveness that I become fearful of eating in front of people and engage in abusive eating habits. Fortunately, it also reminds me that I know that those people were not right. They were also probably f'ed up out of their brains on drugs, huge assholes, and they probably had small penises (hehe). Regardless, a few too many comments like that, to someone like me, really start to build up, so I have to read y'all's blogs to remind me that there are healthy attitudes toward eating - attitudes that do it for you, not because you're scared of being out in public and having someone point at you or make a rude comment behind their hand when you walk by (I've been the recipient of all, believe me). I leave you with this comment, borrowed from Jen over at Prior Fat Girl, who I found through Katie over at The Skinny on Getting Skinny:

"Recognize that anything worth having is worth fighting for. Good health, vitality, more energy, more confidence, better sex, great abs, a tight ass - you either want 'em or you don't. You can continue plodding along in your life feeling like your not living up to your glorious potential or you can dedicate yourself to creating the life you want. F*ck excuses about not having the time or the money. You spend forty hours a week working, or more if you are a working mom. Certainly your health and your body and you are more important than anything else in your life. You are worthless to your colleagues, friends, and family if you do not value yourself enough to take care of you. Yes, you have to put yourself before your friends, parents, boyfriend, husband and even your children."

Sorry that I haven't been commenting very much - it takes forever for things to load while we're underway!

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