Friday, September 25, 2009

old habits die hard :(

so like i said before, i've been eating really liberally, to say the least. sure, i told myself it was to 'gain weight' for biggest loser. no. it was a way to excuse the reckless way i was acting toward my health and diet as a response to my anxiety about the upcoming deployment. just like i learned during therapy, i've unfortunately used food to disguise my emotions for quite a while. this morning i sat in my room, consciously eating what probably amounted to about 1400 calories worth of food over the course of the morning (maybe 3 hours?). that's more then i had intended to eat the whole day, and was there any reason for it? no! i wasn't particularly hungry, the food wasn't particularly tempting (things like zone bars and trio bars, which are delicious but not normal binge-inducing food). i knew in my head that i intended to work out, but that still doesn't make eating abusively ok, you know? Anyways, I finally got off my butt and worked out during lunch, and i'm really hoping that working out will motivate me and remind me that it's awesome to feel fit, not bloated and kind of icky. The other great thing about working out is that it's the only time i let myself read magazines - trashy magazines, fitness magazines, you name it, I devour it when it's on its little stand on the elliptical. The real question is, how accurate are the calorie counters on those things? If they're for real, i may have diminished some of the damage I did this morning, but I'm slightly inclined to believe that they're not...although when I get off I'm always dripping sweat. to the point where people ask if i'm okay, embarassingly enough. anyways, it was really scary to see how quickly i slipped back into the pattern and ease of binge eating - not the super delicious restaurant meal where you think to yourself, i paid for it, i'm going to eat it!, but the mindless, numbing, if it's there i will eat it until i'm not thinking about anything else binge eating. ugh - i hate how weak it makes me feel, especially when i think to myself, i could just put this down right now and stop! ha, now i hope no one is reading this - i'm starting to treat my blog more like a diary!

ETA: OMG, I forgot how many endorphins working out gives you! It's 945 at night and i am seriously wired! and i've been in a great mood ever since my lunchtime workout...i just need to focus on this and not on snacks :/

1 comment:

Lovely Chaos said...

Hey you are doing many great things!!! i think you need to give yourself some time to adapt to deployment and then think about losing weight. You are clearly a leader so keep up the good work. You can accomplish anything at this point!