Tuesday, September 29, 2009

what i'm missing...

this is why i miss my best friends so much:
"Haha so remember the time share that we signed up to visit last year at countryfest? They just called me! They just wanted to make sure that I'm still single and still making less than 60 grand a year. I said yes, my love life still sucks, and yes, I'm still poor. So they said, "ok great! Well just to let you know you still don't qualify for our program. So we'll call you back next year!" LOL! I was like, um, can you just take me off your list? I'm sure next year I'll still be single and still be poor... And probably the year after that too. Sooo... Don't call me, I'll call you! Haha, jerks."
- an email from Becky
Exxxcellent! Week one weigh-ins: 150.8. if i continue at this pace i'll be negative by final weigh ins!

Annnnyways, i'll tell y'all something very interesting...the boy that i went to vegas with a couple weeks ago is actually on deployment with us. he is a marine officer, so while it's totally legal and there's nothing wrong with the fact that we've dated a little, it's also not exactly the best thing to do before spending 7 months underway with someone you have to work with (albeit peripherally). it makes for some pretty awkward encounters as the navy side is all aware of his existence - a lot of them attended/heard about the pub crawl, so there wasn't really any suppressing that. his side, on the other hand, probably doesn't know - excluding the one creep-creeper who also came to the pub crawl that he worked with, i don't think any of the other officers know, and we both want to keep it that way because we don't want the really high up officers to know (if only because that means extra scrutiny and awkwardness). therefore, i really don't go out of my way to be very nice to him, and he's getting a little butt hurt! at the same time, i treat him like i treat any of my guy friends that i work with but hang out with outside of work - professionally! it's just pretty funny because our emails back and forth can get nauseatingly formal, because the creep-creeper is also their communications officer and can read all of his emails. oh, what a tangled web we weave...

annny-annnyways, i am re reading The Tipping Point. this book is fascinating! it has me obsessing over exactly what personality type i might best fit (if any - connectors, mavens or salespeople) and how i can apply that to my daily life and successful post-military career.

i've also been thinking about getting my real estate license once i get back to san diego. i think i'd make a pretty good real estate agent - i'm very aesthetics focused, i am very passionate about promoting something when i think that it's great, i love meeting new people and sharing things with them, i love dressing up and strive to keep a nice personal appearance, i'm intelligent and enjoy accomplishing things, but...i'm not. that. organized. it's actually one of my goals to improve on during deployment. at the same time, one of the girls i work with on the ship has been really pursuing having me plan her wedding. it's obviously a really appealing idea to me - i love, love, love weddings. i love planning nitpicky little things and keeping up with trends and incorporating them with other people's ideas. their logic in entrusting such a big event with me is that my co-worker has seen me do a lot of event planning and it would be my first wedding, thus being mutually beneficial. i get the opportunity to 'try' with someone who understands that there isn't the most experience in this field (as i'm not even married), she gets excellent work at what will be a very discounted price as i haven't really any reason to charge her the fees of an experienced professional. both ideas are pretty exciting :)

whelp, it's time to go record a little snippet about events taking place in our next liberty port that will be played on loop on the televisions all day long...lovely.

Monday, September 28, 2009

ooh good quotes

I love a good quote...or 80 million good quotes :)

These ones are in regard to how I've been feeling about work for the past few days - I understand I'm not stereotypical military. I understand I might not even be good for the military. But I have quite a few more years left in my contract, and until it's up, I'm going to be the best officer that I know how to be, regardless of the backlash for having a 'girly' girl in the ranks.

In regard to what may be thinly disguised jealousy over the success of my colleague (I'm very, very happy for her, and I need to remember that she worked hard, and that she and I are also different people with different leadership styles and personalities, both in and out of the workplace):

"Remember when you see a man at the top of a mountain, he didn't fall there."- Anonymous

When I consciously or subconsciously sabotage my own success:

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves: who am I to be brilliant,gorgeous, talented, and fabulous? Actually who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that people around you wont feel insecure. We are all meant to shine, as children do.We are born to manifest the glory of God within us. It is not just in some of us: it is in everyone. And as we let our light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our fear, our presence automatically liberates others."-Nelson Mandela

When I feel like I just don't fit in at this job:
"All your life you are told the things you cannot do. All your life they will say you’re not good enough or strong enough or talented enough; they will say you’re the wrong height or the wrong weight or the wrong type to play this or be this or achieve this. THEY WILL TELL YOU NO, a thousand times no, until all the no’s become meaningless. All your life they will tell you no, quite firmly and very quickly, AND YOU WILL THEM YES!” - Nike

Obviously I've been tracking my struggles with weight ever since this blog started, so without further ado, my 'thinspirational' quotes:

"You are not four years old. You can tell yourself NO!" – Dr Phil

"Every bite is a choice." - 3fatchicks.com

"Nothing tastes as good as thin feels." - Anonymous

and for all the times I've daydreamed about looking 'perfect' and remembered idyllically life at 133:
"If you have built castles in the air, your work need not be lost; that is where they should be. Now put the foundations under them." - Thoreau

not to mention the times i've thought, "oh, just dessert at lunch won't kill me...":
Sacrifice is giving up something good for something better.- Anonymous

And best of all, the quotes that refer to my life as a whole - dieting, work, budgeting, etc:

"The only thing standing between who you are and who you want to be is what you do."

"If you have to eat a frog, don't spend too much time looking at it. If you have to eat two frogs, eat the biggest one first."

"Winners are too busy to be sad, too positive to be doubtful, too optimistic to be fearful, and too determined to be defeated." - Darryl Campbell

"Begin taking action now, while being neurotic or imperfect, or a procrastinator or unhealthy or lazy or any other label by which you inaccurately describe yourself. Go ahead and be the best imperfect person you can be and get started on those things you want to accomplish before you die."

Yay! now I just have to copy those down, paste them by my bed, and hope they take over my brain through osmosis ;)

Friday, September 25, 2009

old habits die hard :(

so like i said before, i've been eating really liberally, to say the least. sure, i told myself it was to 'gain weight' for biggest loser. no. it was a way to excuse the reckless way i was acting toward my health and diet as a response to my anxiety about the upcoming deployment. just like i learned during therapy, i've unfortunately used food to disguise my emotions for quite a while. this morning i sat in my room, consciously eating what probably amounted to about 1400 calories worth of food over the course of the morning (maybe 3 hours?). that's more then i had intended to eat the whole day, and was there any reason for it? no! i wasn't particularly hungry, the food wasn't particularly tempting (things like zone bars and trio bars, which are delicious but not normal binge-inducing food). i knew in my head that i intended to work out, but that still doesn't make eating abusively ok, you know? Anyways, I finally got off my butt and worked out during lunch, and i'm really hoping that working out will motivate me and remind me that it's awesome to feel fit, not bloated and kind of icky. The other great thing about working out is that it's the only time i let myself read magazines - trashy magazines, fitness magazines, you name it, I devour it when it's on its little stand on the elliptical. The real question is, how accurate are the calorie counters on those things? If they're for real, i may have diminished some of the damage I did this morning, but I'm slightly inclined to believe that they're not...although when I get off I'm always dripping sweat. to the point where people ask if i'm okay, embarassingly enough. anyways, it was really scary to see how quickly i slipped back into the pattern and ease of binge eating - not the super delicious restaurant meal where you think to yourself, i paid for it, i'm going to eat it!, but the mindless, numbing, if it's there i will eat it until i'm not thinking about anything else binge eating. ugh - i hate how weak it makes me feel, especially when i think to myself, i could just put this down right now and stop! ha, now i hope no one is reading this - i'm starting to treat my blog more like a diary!

ETA: OMG, I forgot how many endorphins working out gives you! It's 945 at night and i am seriously wired! and i've been in a great mood ever since my lunchtime workout...i just need to focus on this and not on snacks :/

Thursday, September 24, 2009

Biggest Loser Weigh Ins

So, I weighed in at 158 last night. 1. 5. 8. that is the second highest weight i've seen on a scale since my max, 166.5, sophomore year in college. now i haven't weighed myself since then, and a couple of the girls on my team peed out (TMI, i'm sorry) a solid 6 pounds of water, but i don't want to give myself any buffer thinking that i don't have the weight to lose. I have been 133 before, and i will be 133 again! Except this time it'll be a toned 133. i know it's a lot to ask for, but i live at my job. live there. i have no excuse for finishing my work and then watching a movie when i could be watching that movie on the elliptical. there's no temptation to go out to dinner or grab happy hour instead of hitting the gym. the only thing that might throw me off is a weird watch schedule or an event like the Burial at Sea today, but things like that are few and far between.

Speaking of the Burial at Sea, it was beautiful - what an honor to be part of it, and especially to run it! Everyone was in their Dress Blues, it was a stunningly sunny day, and nobody tripped or dropped an urn - what more can an event coordinator ask for?

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

blah blah blah

and in what can only be described as a super frustrating move, last night one of my bosses decided to move one of my meetings (that i run and host and he has nothing to do with) to a different time slot without telling me! the reason i'm so frustrated about it is that it's our first one of deployment, and for me to advertise what eventually became the wrong time makes me look incompetent and ill prepared! ugh!
ok, that's out of my system...we're also doing a burial at sea tomorrow, and let me tell you, that is going to be the DEATH of me (he he he i've been saving that one).
anyways, weigh-ins tonight...all of this "guilt-free" eating is going to be really hard to stop once i've actually stepped on the scale and come to terms with how much i've put on in the past few weeks - everyone knows you have to have your 'last meal' before deployment, and i unfortunately did that for a week straight. i'll make sure to post stats and measurements in a few hours!
finally, this morning while getting out of the shower, i opened the door to the shower room so quickly that i hit the hooks that hold our towels. these hooks rotate. i managed to hit the hooks so hard they bounced into my forehead, bounced back against the door, and swung back to a stop on my then-bruised forehead. at least i can see the humor in that ;)

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

biggest loser!

great news! the biggest loser starts again at work tomorrow - it's so different to actually live where you work for long stretches of time, and obviously the longest stretches are yet to come! so far the longest i've ever been underway without pulling into port has been 3 weeks...this deployment is supposed to be for much longer, obviously. fortunately, there are always tons of activities to keep us busy, and i run MWR (morale, welfare and recreation), and one of my good girlfriends, Joy, runs CFL (command fitness league, or something..i don't know what the l stands for). anyways, that means we can work together to develop great prizes for fitness related events. i think the prize for this year's biggest loser winner might be something sweet, like a spa package!
i'll make sure to post my weigh in stats tomorrow after weigh ins...i've been eating everything i possibly can and want to in order to pack on some pounds beforehand - the way it works is that it's by body percentage, not pounds lost, so the heavier i am at weigh ins, the more weight i have to lose and the higher percentage it will be once it's lost. it sounds silly, but eating a lot of salty foods and drinking tons of water right beforehand is a great way to kind of swing it to your advantage. i know that also sounds kind of dishonest, but if you know everyone else is doing it, then you're basically at a disadvantage if you don't!
as a piggyback on my last post, though, i realized that this is the first time i've eaten starches (pasta and rice) in public at work in as long as i can remember. that's not to say that i traditionally don't eat starches - i live off of slimfast bars, it's just that i don't eat them in public. i have a feeling that's something i need to explore a little bit more of. why am i so worried about people seeing me eat non-healthy foods? i don't judge other people when they eat them!

I'll leave you with something a little more upbeat - the guy i went to vegas with recently asked me what my dream car was, and i got to thinking...how does a 2009 Alpine White BMW M6 convertible sound to anyone else? yes please!

I also have a couple CD's to recommend: if you're a country fan, Jason Aldean's new CD, Wide Open, is amazing! I'd also recommend the new Colbie Caillat CD, Breakthrough (Deluxe Edition), and if you don't have her first one, it's also amazing.

Biggest Loser, here I come! And after stalking a few blogs recently, I have to say that I might order Jillian Michael's 30 Day Shred - the results look incredible!

Monday, September 21, 2009

serious confession session

so i've been exploring some blogs through SITS, and i've stumbled upon a lot of weight loss blogs. everyone's openness and honesty have really inspired me to be more honest on my blog (despite the fact i know a few of my friends occasionally read it). similarly, a conversation i had with an old boss during lunch today (during which i kind of felt like he was prying, but i've been to so much counseling on it that i'm pretty used to being honest) really hit home that my neurosis is a little unhealthy.
basically, i've always had a poor body image, although if i look at the clothes that i'm still wearing from high school, i genuinely couldn't have been that big or i a) would be too small for those clothes now, or b) wouldn't have fit into those clothes then. regardless, i've always considered myself to be on the chubby side. a group of guys that christina and i hung out with (not so much becky as she had a boyfriend) revealed their nicknames for us once - hers was 'porn star', mine was 'kelly kapowski' - alluding as much, i'm sure, to my big hair and girl next door style as it does to my super round face (which maintains it's shape no matter how thin i get).
even super thin, kelly's face is round and proud!:

Anyways, one member of my immediate family has been heavy for as long as I can remember, and recently another member joined him on that track, essentially terrifying me that being fat truly is genetic and it's unavoidable. I also have suffered from victimization due to my weight (which, as I previously mentioned, has never extended past that of 'overweight' for my height). We're not really sure why (we being my family and assorted counselors/therapists) I have such an unhealthy obssession with my weight, but i have to say that incidents like the one I'm about to relate were definitely life changing for me.

I remember multiple seemingly innocent comments my mother's made about my weight over the years - telling me a certain shirt made me look like a little sausage, telling me not to wear sweatpants with a lighter colored waistband because they highlighted my waist and made it look wider, etc. But more importantly, unfortunately, were the comments of strangers. Here it goes:

I was standing on the side of the road, waiting for my boyfriend at the time to pick me up so i wouldn't have to walk down the gravel street in heels. I was about 8-10 pounds more than I am now (at the most - about 10 pounds less then my heaviest) and was wearing a dress and heels. A car full of boys pulled over as they passed by, stopping only long enough to say, "You're fat! I hope that you get cancer and die!" This was my junior year in college, about two years ago, and I remember that day like it was yesterday. Unfortunately, that's all that it takes to trigger so many feelings of inadequacy and unattractiveness that I become fearful of eating in front of people and engage in abusive eating habits. Fortunately, it also reminds me that I know that those people were not right. They were also probably f'ed up out of their brains on drugs, huge assholes, and they probably had small penises (hehe). Regardless, a few too many comments like that, to someone like me, really start to build up, so I have to read y'all's blogs to remind me that there are healthy attitudes toward eating - attitudes that do it for you, not because you're scared of being out in public and having someone point at you or make a rude comment behind their hand when you walk by (I've been the recipient of all, believe me). I leave you with this comment, borrowed from Jen over at Prior Fat Girl, who I found through Katie over at The Skinny on Getting Skinny:

"Recognize that anything worth having is worth fighting for. Good health, vitality, more energy, more confidence, better sex, great abs, a tight ass - you either want 'em or you don't. You can continue plodding along in your life feeling like your not living up to your glorious potential or you can dedicate yourself to creating the life you want. F*ck excuses about not having the time or the money. You spend forty hours a week working, or more if you are a working mom. Certainly your health and your body and you are more important than anything else in your life. You are worthless to your colleagues, friends, and family if you do not value yourself enough to take care of you. Yes, you have to put yourself before your friends, parents, boyfriend, husband and even your children."

Sorry that I haven't been commenting very much - it takes forever for things to load while we're underway!

Saturday, September 19, 2009

problem with living in small spaces: if someone has stinky feet, it's very noticeable.

today my roommate heard someone throwing up (we're next to the bathrooms - good for showers, bad for sound effects). she called down to medical, assuming the person was violently ill (not considering it was the second day underway and it was probably sea sickness). meanwhile, my other roommate was walking down the hallway and ran into austin, who was about to go to the bathroom. my roommate said, 'gosh, it sounds like someone's really feeling it!'. austin looked at her, turns, and gets sick all over the bathroom door!! then, he opened the door to go inside to get sick in the toilet, didn't make it, but does reveal that the person who's actually getting sick is no one else but...our doctor.

welcome to deployment :)

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

time to deploy. seriously.

reasons i have nearly sabotaged my own life as of late:
1) forgot to pay my storage unit bill. still haven't been to my storage unit to see whether or not they realize i forgot to pay it. ok honestly, i kind of forgot i had it. and now that i'm thinking about how i'd better get there, i'm realizing that my keys were actually in the purse that was lost at stagecoach, so i'm going to have to buy a pair of boltcutters. lovely.
2) gave the wrong debit card at shore club (my homeport...aka the bar i'm at 3/7 nights a week), thus making them think i was trying to stiff the bill. oops. even had to borrow cab money home because i was too blind/fuzzy eyed to see my correct card in my wallet.
3) um. this one's kind of embarassing. sent a few completely incoherent texts to guys i liked. not even drunk texts...more like T9 word incomprehensible texts. really unfortunate as i'm usually fairly literate.
4) kind of sort of left all my packing to the last minute. like tomorrow and the next day. and i'm on duty today (can't get off the ship) and tomorrow's an actual work day.
5) neglected to update my registration on my car. x2 tickets. still haven't done it.
6) kind of sort of didn't really understand my car...i.e. ignored the light on the dashboard that one of the guys at work explained meant 'low air pressure' and assumed because there was no 'change oil on xx-xx-xxxx' sticker, i never had to change the oil. while i'm really confessing my sins, i haven't had windshield wiper blades for like 4 months. this is a 2007 fully loaded white jetta (my dream car) that probably won't run when i get back. oops.

i'm sure my list could go on, but i don't want to depress myself. what better semi-anonymous confession forum then a blog, right? annnyways, despite how scared i am of it (i don't even know why! it's an inanimate event! it's not like deployment itself could scare me), i think now's kind of a good time to take a break from my crazy life!

Sunday, September 13, 2009

birthday/labor day/deployment ...

So, basic highlights of my life in the past month as i prepare for our 7 month deployment...

1) my 23rd birthday party! it was a golf/tennis themed bar crawl. this is pretty much one of the few appropriate pictures i can post as the guys decided it would be nice to wear very short, very tight, very...'stuffed' shorts.

2) the White Party! it's the second year these guys have had it and they really went overboard with it (P.S. I don't even remember the name of that guy between Christina and I...oh well!)...they had a dj, the ceiling was covered in balloons, they hired a bartender to pour champagne, and everyone looked soooo beautiful.

3) The Nickelback concert! Hinder opened for them and it was really good...as you can tell I had a little too much fun at some points and took a wee nap. Unfortunately that's par for the course with me and concerts. C'est la vie!4) Christina and I went on liquid diets. Unfortunately it worked fairly well, bringing me down to a nice 139.5...135 is my constant goal weight (i'm 5'8) but i'm usually somewhere between 140 and 144. since going back to consuming solid foods (i.e. having to go back to work), i'm back to normal. darn.

5) so sad!!! the last day the trifecta was united before Christina went on vacation, I leave for deployment, and Becky potentially gets transferred to Japan! This cannot possibly happen again until December of next year, when Becky might make it back to San Diego. So depressing!

6) and all that's left...Becky and I, enjoying one of our last few moments at shore club. today will be my last Sunday Funday for a long time!!

7) Made it to Vegas for a couple of days before deployment...went with a really sweet guy so we'll see how that goes...don't want to say too much!!
8) and finally, Becky and I's last night out together, bummed because we had to wait in line.

I know, picture montages are never the best posts, but hey, if i'm writing this blog as something for me to look @ while i'm deployment so i can remember how much fun i had back in SD (and why i do this job!!) then picture montages are the best for me :) We're almost at the one year anniversary of my leaving Chad (the evil abusive one) so that, in itself, is a cause to celebrate!!